About Clouds That Were
Have you ever had a nightmare only to awake and find your life is worse than a nightmare?
A child conceived by mistake, born because there was no other option.
Your life is hell. You can’t succeed, you can’t be happy, you can’t even be sad. You can’t be anything.
I never thought I would make it to my eighteenth birthday, I figured I’d be dead by then. I just wanted to make my mother happy, and I always knew the only way to succeed at that was by ceasing to exist.
And then I met Chase. He saved me. From her, from myself, and in the end, from death.
My life was so dark and cloudy for so long, I never thought I would see the sun. But with Chase, they were merely clouds that were.
“When I wake up in the morning, I feel alone. Getting ready is a chore, and I am dreading having to face Chase. In my heart I am afraid that this will hurt him, that he will somehow feel responsible. But my head reminds me that everything he has said and done is somehow not real, and that just like everyone else, he will fail me. It’s just a matter of time.
He pulls in the driveway today, knowing that my mother has already left for work; and when I get in the truck, he seems unbelievably happy. So happy in fact that he doesn’t even notice the giant cloud that seems to be following me around today. He just does his thing, stops at Starbucks, and carries on, as though I am not even there. Whatever it is that has him in such a good mood is untouched by my bad mood.
I get to school. There are people all around me, yet I feel so alone, that no one sees me. Not even Chase. He is with me every second he can be, yet it is as though he doesn’t even realize I am there.
No one knows the pain I am feeling.
No one knows I would rather be dead.
No one knows I feel invisible.
No one knows my whole life is a mistake.
No one knows that no one cares.
No one knows that no one else knows, either. Everyone assumes that someone else must know me. Someone else must know what is going on with me. Someone else must know why I have no friends. Someone else must know why I never go out. Someone else must know why I am always alone… always… alone.”
Hello I am Addison! I grew up in the great state of Wisconsin and am a Wisconsin girl through and through, although seriously, it’s not a bubbler, it’s a water fountain.
Anyway, I fought being a writer for 33 years before finally giving it to it, and now I can’t imagine doing anything else.
I am a wife and a mother to three kiddos! When I am not watching them play soccer, or baseball, or basketball, I enjoy photography, reading (of course) and I am learning to love landscaping.
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